That feels better :)

It's a glorious autumn day. The sun is shining so bright, the sky is a beautiful blue, it's the weekend, it's my boyfriend's birthday, we have Samhain celebrations and life is good.

I've turned vegetarian again. And just being more in tune with nature just feels so good. Having something to celebrate feels good.

Last weekend I went to The Sanctuary, which is the site of a henge near Avebury, now marked with concrete posts. Standing in the middle of it, I got a sense of how majestic it must have been to be standing amid the original henge. I love the Sancutary, I'm not someone who feels energies that easily but whenever I go there, I always feel a burst of happiness and like the spirits are giving me a big hug.

Years ago, I came away from a visit to Sanctuary with the thought, "Hold on to the joy. Then, in times of sadness, you have it to fall back on, like an emergency supply of chocolate." Easier said than done but I like the sentiment.

So, Samhain tomorrow, lots to plan for, decorations to finish, lanterns to carve, apples to obtain for bobbing (yay) and I also need to work out what kind of ritual (if any) I'm going to do, it will likely be very low key but I would like to do something...

If not wicca, then....?

So in my browsing I discovered a thread on the UK Pagan forums asking why Wicca got such a bad rep.

I had a chuckle to myself as I read this "It's fair to say that a huge chunk of pagans started off their "oh my goodness, I'm a Pagan" life by deciding they're Wiccan. Or wiccan, to be more usually accurate ;)"

Oh look, that's me. Oh look, I was 19 and yes, there is a book by Silver Ravenwolf on my bookshelf. And no, it's not the only Llewellyn title either. Is this the point where I'm suppsed to cringe a little?

You learn something new every day; apparently Wicca (capital W) is a formal tradition such as Gardnerian, with specific rites, levels and such. The more generic wicca (small w) is apparently the non-initiated, non-coven-member, who gleans their information from moderately popular book titles and indeed appeals somewhat to the Teen-Witch phenomenon. See above.

I thought it was interesting that W/wicca (gah, I can't stand slashy speak) appears to get a bit of a bad rep in pagan circles and it was interesting to read the ensuing discussion.

So, I followed a pagan path for a number of years and then lapsed into nothingness. I still feel mostly 'nothingy' but I also feel it is time to move towards something. I've discovered something that makes me want to learn a bit more. I feel a bit like I need to start from the beginning, with an adult's mind not a teenage girl's mind.

I'm wondering what path I actually followed back in my late teens/early twenties. Yes, it was loosely based on wicca I'd read about but I think it developed from that.

Wicca, the more I read, seemed to have more structure than I was wanting or needing. Having left organised Christianity, more specific ritual was something I didn't need. I think there might also have been en element of youthful rebellion, I want to do what I want to do, not what you tell me to do. Trying to map new rituals when I had 18 years of old rituals burned into me wasn't working.

But enough of then. What do I do now? I feel like I should be reading up on the other various strands of paganism. For a number of years I described myself as 'eclectic pagan' which I guess will remain accurate.

I guess I don't fully understand what distinguishes the various paths, other than perhaps the particular pantheon. Most seem to observe the 8 main festivals of the year.

Hmm, I can't even hold this train of thought. I find it quite daunting when I realise I have a lot to learn, and feel like quite a newbie, even though I've 'been' pagan of sorts for a decade. I don't want someone to tell me what to believe or what to do, but I've realised paganism is something so very diverse it can almost be difficult to know where to start.

I suppose realising what the questions are is a good place to start.

At some point I'm going to have to stop reading, stop writing and start doing.

Butterfly.

For a good few months now, there has been a butterfly, wings closed, stuck to the wall behind the lounge door. I didn't know if it was a dead, or hibernating, but decided to leave it be.

Today was a beautiful day, blue skies, bright sun, perfect fluffy clouds. I was sat on the sofa, when I noticed a fluttering, and the butterfly (a very pretty tortoiseshell) flew past me and to the window, where it happily flew out into the sunshine.

I liked it :)

Nearly a new year, new beginnings

I'm not exactly sure what shifted my mindset. Partly the magic of autumn working its beautiful wonders on my spirit. And possibly given a kick by that awful woman in the Mail making me think about my so-called religion. So-called because I've loosely defined myself as pagan for years, but have reduced that down to 'random theist', and my paganism has been as strong as half the kids in a catholic school (read: got confirmed, gets me a place at catholic school, haven't been to church since and don't believe in God).

It's been about 11 years since I discovered paganism (specifically Wicca), and this revelation spoke deep into my soul and dissipated the void that had been left when I turned my back on the Christianity in which I'd been raised.

I'm now 30 and my faith has been all but faded away for a number of years. I can attribute this easily to a lack of spiritual food, and I have known for a while that this is something I need to address. What eluded me is the how.

Whatever the reason, I have decided to do one turn of the wheel (that's one calendar year, for those who don't know) "as a non-lapsed pagan," as proclaimed in my recent Facebook status.

It's a little odd in a way to be attempting to become a practicing member of a faith I'm not even sure I believe in. I think there must be a spark of belief somewhere; I know I never consciously turned away from it, but I think it simply got extinguished under the weight of a mortgage, a career, a run of unsuccessful relationships and the dreaded depression. Shrugging off the cynicism and the "my goodness, I feel like such a twit" thoughts are going to be a fair challenge, but I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I've been sitting around hoping the spark of my spirit will suddenly get ignited 'just like tht.' It's not going to happen, so I'm going to give it some encouragement.

This blog is a place to follow my progress, amongst other things.